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Learning To Say No – Part 1

Making other people happy is certainly a nice thing to do, but oftentimes this behavior can have undesired consequences if not properly prioritized. Since we have worked with many patients who are self-described “people-pleasers,” we’d like to take some time to talk about the importance of saying no—and learning to place your needs ahead of others without feeling selfish. Please note, we are not encouraging selfish, narcissistic behavior. What we want to discuss is how important it is for people to make sure their needs are being met while also serving the needs of others.

Why do I feel so selfish when saying no to people?

Selfish is a word that elicits a variety of emotions—and for good reason. Most people don’t want to be considered selfish, which is why they find it so difficult to say no. Merriam-Webster defines selfish as “having or showing concern only for yourself and not for the needs or feelings of other people.” [Link] Clearly that has negative connotations that most people would not wish to attribute to themselves. We believe the time has come to redefine the word selfish so it can be used more constructively. Selfish should be defined as “serving your own needs so that you can better serve the needs of others”.

A question we sometimes ask patients who have problems saying no is, “How can you pour from an empty pitcher?” This analogy is useful as it helps people better understand and visualize themselves as the pitcher. The realization is if they don’t refill their pitcher—if they don’t tend to their own needs first—how can they provide for others? Once this analogy is fully grasped and the word selfish is redefined, patients begin to understand that there is a need for reprioritization, moving their needs to the top so they can then help the people in their life.

Why do I have such a hard time saying no?

Many people have a deep desire to feel needed by others. It helps to provide a sense of self-worth. By doing things for other people, they derive a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. There are more than a few issues associated with this type of behavior. A major one is that this behavior needs to be repeated frequently to sustain the feelings of self-worth. This can become a vicious cycle that can trap people into the service of others, never being able to spend time taking care of their own needs. Struggling with self-worth is a major issue for many people. It’s important to understand that the value you place on yourself should have less to do with your service to others and more on who you are and what you have accomplished. This isn’t to say that helping others should not be valued; it is still important. But it is more important for you to find worth and value in being you and honoring your own needs.

Some people also are reluctant to say no due to a fear of the consequences of refusing a request. “What if this person gets upset when I say no?” “What if they stop being my friend?” “What if I let them down?” “What will they do without me?” These are common concerns people face when thinking about saying no. And while it would be easy enough to challenge these concerns, the fear element can be quite powerful. There are many things that can be done by those who carry these fears. It takes courage, willpower, and an understanding that oftentimes the scenarios you’ve created in your mind are not real. If you say no to someone and he gets upset, that’s his problem, not yours. If a person stops being your friend because you couldn’t help him out, did you really need that kind of friend in the first place? What we are suggesting is that you challenge the fear of saying no with a logical response. This will take some effort at first, but with persistence you can overcome it. In a previous blog post titled “Improving Your Inner Dialogue,” we provided methods to help improve your thought process. Using these tools can be helpful when dealing with the fears of saying no.

In part two we will discuss reasons why you should say no, and provide you with some useful tools to help empower you to do so. Learning how to say no (when necessary) can improve your life.